unstick myself

I keep coming back here to find myself.

To find myself in words typed out on a page.

Three years ago I moved the miles across Europe to the country of my birth, sure of the decision, unsure of the adventure ahead.

I have a distinct memory of bursting into tears on my parents a few days back, crying desperatly because I did not know what I had done. sure of the leaving but unsure of the coming.

I am still there. Today I could have cried a thousand times as I wade through the decisions I have to make, the uncertainity of life and the blur of three years back with almost nothing to show of it.

I am unsure.

Unsure of all the things I thought I once knew and unsure of all the things I was never sure of in the first place.

A mix of depression and anxiety, laughter and tears, new friends and people who I barely know. Jobs that I have loved and hated with equal measure. Dreams I cannot seem to grasp hold of no matter how I try.

I am unsure.

I find myself coming back to this place, where words flow out of my fingers and I am not entirely sure where they came from.

I come back to the verse tattooed on my arm with my fathers handwritting.

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them.
I will turn the darkness into light before them, and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do. I will not forsake them.”

I am clinging on to the prayer I have prayer since I was 16, feeling blind and in the dark. Make the path beneath me smooth and the dark become light, God, please.

At 32 there is little in my life that I had expected and dreamt of. I am not where I want to be, not where I dreamed I would be and not at all sure of how I will ever get to those things.

The thing is that I am surrounded by other people my age and older who feel the same. Who are grieving the same things, navigating the same roads. It has been said by many over and over and more articulately than I can that we are a generation whose live in the inbetween - where social norms are changing but hadn’t quite when we dreamt of our life plans - so we feel lost, unsure of how to live now, because the old has gone but the new is somehow not entirely in our grasp.

I want the space to acknowledge and grieve that, but also to try and figure it out….how can i unstick myself….how can I become sure again.

Maybe I can find it as I type. Maybe I can find it as I write.

R/