consistently inconsistent.

I am consistently inconsistent.

In this space, with all personal projects and aims and goals in which I put my energy.

I wonder if it is the perfectionist in me who hates to fail, making me quick to bore of the need to constantly practise before I am good at anything.

I admire those who stand and fail at many things before they succeed - whatever that means for them.

I admire those who say that failure is part of the journey that they are on.

I admire those who have the ability to try, fail, try harder, fail harder, try and succeed.

I am not one of those people naturally.

Not in any way.

I like to stay comfortable, within the realms of what I know and understand, dreaming of what may have been if I tried.

The problem with that, is that I am also not that person. Not when I speak to my friends about their goals, not when I truly think about where I want to be in 5 or 10 or 20 years time. Not in the practical ways in which I find myself almost constantly uncomfortable because I act against the instinct in me that says ‘stay home, wrap your blanket around you and put on The West Wing.’

I don’t know if it is the fact that I grew up moving around, the faith I have had in a giant God and the culture of ‘Use me, Send me’ that I grew up in. This idea that we were also meant to be moving, going, serving, doing, loving….being uncomfortable.

I am inconsistent in myself, and in the things I like to do. This space has been mind for over a decade and I still am not sure about what I am doing with it. I love to write here but never sure if I have anything to say.

Love to take photographs but since moving back to England this giant fear of it seems to stand in the way.

I think that there is a desire in me to be like those who I admire, the ones who have discipline and consistency in what they are trying to do. And, at least for now I will do my best to look to them as examples and remind myself that I too could be like that, and maybe I just need to take the time to try.

I’d like to think this thing in me, this desire to constantly be changing and moving comes from a helpful place, and the anxiety of it bashing up against my desire to stay warmed up in my own home is a good thing. That God made me both ways to give me the safety I need so the desire to run doesn’t get too strong.

Maybe I will try to be consistent in the balance of both. Giving myself space to be consistent in working on change, while being consistent in giving myself the space to cuddle up in my bed, hidden from the world, a book in hand…and breath deep in the comfortable.

R/