All seasons end

There are seasons in life, seasons of growth and change, seasons for rest, seasons for running harder than you every have before. Every season is different, with different shades and colours and sounds. The past six years have been one giant season full of a million microcosm. I leave this place knowing I am no longer the same person, no longer the girl who came. My opinions are stronger, my sense of self is deepened and my understanding of the world widened. I am no longer the same.Six years ago I boarded a plane after a night of vomiting and too many tears; fear and anxiety crippling me about a move I wanted to do, across a continent I didn’t really know. That girl has grown, and changed and lost some of her anxiety and fear.Now full of anticipation, expectancy and a little bit of confusion, I will board a plane in a month, no doubt with just as many tears and go back to the home on my passport.To explain or process six years in this place will no doubt take just as long, to fully see or understand the amount I have been impacted or things I have seen I have no idea where to begin.But for now there is a bitter sweetness in my mind at all times: this is the last time for this, or when shall I see this person again. There is beauty in a season ending, a finality of a chapter closed, a peace in the time to move on. For this is a place where a diverse family has grown and for this season I became part of it. For this season I was one with it. It will never stop being a part of me, never stop being something that shapes me, for this beauty village in this beautiful place will always be a home....It is two months since the above was written; the plane has been boarded - the ride home poetically similar to the first one. I've rested, moved and started a job, almost found a home and am wearing suit trousers and heels to work on an almost daily basis. I'm amazing at how life just moves forward. It has felt like each day has tumbled into another with no time to think. Tonight feels like one where I could sit and type out every process and every thought. But I am leaving it at this...The God I know and trust is larger and more faithful that I can every understand. His ways are wilder and better and beyond all my wildest dreams. This next season has started and all I wonder is what God has planned because I could not have fathomed all that happened in the last one.R./ 

2018

"it may look like i'm surrounded but i'm surrounded by you"

Those lyrics, those words of being surrounded have been traveling around my head on and off for the past week. They find themselves in the tiniest darkest back corners and then make themselves the center point of my main thoughts.There is something in the sentiment of being surrounded: once in a way that you cannot control, threatening and full of fear, and the second, full of love, and comfort, the surrounding of the warmest most perfect hug .The first is out of my control, scary, full of worries, and walls closing in. I see the world falling around me, weight on my shoulders, and all the fears rushing towards me..the second...Well that isn't in my control either but it is so full of freedom. Those types of people who bear hug you in the way that makes you collapse into their chest, and you know you are safe, secure, and protected. THAT. That is what it means when it sings "I'm surrounded by you".This possibly invisible barrier that means the weight and world and fear cannot penetrate through, that it will not reach you, will not overpower you, will not become who you are.I am surrounded by you God. Spirit. Son. I am surrounded by you.It is a new year, one pregnant with promise, newness and life. For me there are days now where is feels like I am surrounded, in that first way, the new year is a background thing that I haven't really recognised yet. But these lyrics that are making themselves at home in my thoughts scream out to me, "BUT I"M SURROUNDED BY YOU".Although this year is starting with a steep incline upwards, I know it won't last forever, that the year will be full of adventure, goodness, joy, freedom and laughter. The photos placed on my wall prove to me that I am surrounded by the King of Kings, and his beautiful children. And in those places comes all that I need. In those places comes all that we need.So welcome 2018, I'm 10 days late, but I'm sure there are many adventures to be had within you. I'm just learning how to live out those lyrics.R/     

a letter to myself.

I found this post, one I wrote 4 years ago.

So I thought I would write a response, to the version of me then.

Who didn't really know just how many mountains she would jump off, or rivers she would sink deep into. Who hadn't really truly seen what it meant to live a life fully sold out for Jesus, or to live it. With the tears and the sweat and the 'your will, not mine's'

To the girl who thought the reality lived way beyond her expectations, it went further: it still is going further. You let the boxes grow back again, but when He ripped them apart, this time the space beyond was so much bigger. You've been lost and found so many times, wanted to give up and curl up and turn back time. But the expectations never seem to reach the reality. When you lift your head up, you can see the endlessness of His reality, where nothing is out of bounds, and no thing is impossible.

You've learnt now that boxes cannot contain things that are bigger than everything, and the energy of placing God in those boxes is more than when you see Him outside of them.

Your expectations then were blown away, but you seem to have forgotten about expectations and plans now, because you are beginning to grasp the gigantic nature of His plans, and the understand of the birds and flowers that each day is of its own.

You still adore the people, you're still in awe of how they push you and love you and challenge you to live....

But you are more in awe of Him, more in awe of His beauty, His adoration, His grace, His forgiveness, His faithfulness and His love.

You didn't expect to be here this long, to love here this long, to be at home here for this long. I am glad that you learnt to keep going, that you kept going, that you kept fighting.

You now, thanks you then, for your perseverance.

R/

i want to start again

I wrote this in April, but couldn't...wouldn't publish it...maybe it was to raw or to vulnerable at the time but now I want to. So here is a piece of my processing from April. When winter had just ended and I was tired. When I felt like a lot had gone wrong and I couldn't see past my own failings, and when all I wanted was to see how it would have been if I hadn't lost my focus on Jesus, on the one truth and light I know to be consistent and constant in life.......I want to start again...or rather I want to have enough time to sit and see all the things and times I missed because the clock moves too fast and the pace is doubled and I haven't had a moment to take a breath, except for when I do, and all I do is sleep.I want to start again, or maybe just sit and watch my life on video tape so I can see the moments that I forgot and remember the cups of tea, and pieces of cakes and fresh juicy pineapples I don't remember the taste of.I want to start again, but not forget the things I learnt before I fell, so that this time when I re-start I do not re-do the same mistaken steps, and maybe this time I will start again and keep on going, instead of falling and stumbling and failing.I want to start again, but really this time I want to see and hear and taste it all, and learn and jump over the trick-ropes that cut my legs from under me. I want to start again, with my eyes never leaving your face, and my feet never leaving your well trodden footprints.Because I know that if I start again with my eyes and feet firmly where you lead then maybe, just maybe I won't have to start again, again.......I did. Start again that is. But I couldn't watch back my life on video tape, but I read over the journals lining my bookshelf and I looked over the words underlined in my Bible. I made myself lift my eyes again, to see the Jesus I knew. I made myself re-read words I have read since I was a child, but this time I saw something else, something new, because God is good that way. I allowed myself time to see my own failings and see how to be better next time, how to choose better next time.Choosing. I have learnt that sometimes in just is a choice. A choice to make time, a choice to lift your head, a choice to learn and move on. Sometimes it is a choice to get out of bed to run, or to not watch TV but to read. I have learnt I have a choice, as crazy as that sounds, I have a choice to move forward, to learn, to become better, to focus, to rest.r/ 

you said breath and life stood up

You have never ever given up You have never turned your back on us You said light, and light there was You created all that was, You said breath and life stood up, You are God and great above it all.  You are more than we’ll ever know You give life and life to the full You have never ever given up.

rushing waters

brain tired of thinking, simple tasks becoming mammoth mountains, and these words ringing in my ears....'if the world started with a ball of energy, and the only thing that existed before that was God, then surely He is the source of all energy...'home; candles, music, paints, bible, blank pages, and breathing it all in.trying to gain some of His majestic energy, His creator energy, resting in Him.and processing it all, here in this space, this tiny corner of the world wide web.r/

Prayer

Around three months ago I sat on a chair in front of a group of people and talked about prayer. I talked about what I had learnt as I looked at Jesus and his life. What I saw in his prayer life, in his daily actions.Intimacy basically. The quiet, hidden, behind closed door place was where I ended up.And then I got busy again. Busy trying to fit a thousand thoughts and actions in a day all the while missing what I spoke about on that day.But here is the thing, I don't actually think I was that busy.I had a job to do, and life things which take time, but I was not actually busy or stressed. I just didn't know how to manage my time, prioritise the important things, or live in a routine.And as I traveled back for Christmas, and New Years and time off I thought about how little time I had taken to spend in the quiet, in the hidden intimate places.The time where you get to sit at the feet of God and lay it all out, and read his word and his guiding. And slowly as my holiday and rest came to an end, I began to make lists and plans.Figure out the ways in which I can prioritise my time. I have found myself realising that so many times I blame everything around me for making my life 'busy' or 'stressed' forgetting that I have the capability to stop, breath and take a bit of control.I think maybe I have brought into the lie that rushing around with 1000 things to do is what makes you successful, and that being a busy person means you are valuable. Some where along the line I think I decided that to be loved, to be accepted, to be someone, then you need to have a life where your diary is full and your to-do lists are longer than your arm, and so I looked to live life in that way.And as I start 2016 I think it is time to let go of that lie. To see that spending time behind a closed door, sat with a bible and listening to God is so much more important than anything else.  You cannot claim to have a friendship with someone who you never make time to speak to, and you cannot give out when you are empty.So I want to be slower, be quieter, be more aware of the stillness that is needed. I want to loose track of time sometimes, and not worry about the to-do lists.R/

One thing

I have been sick all weekend. Cancelled plans and all. And as I sit in bed at 8pm about to shut down lights and technology in the hope of waking up better for the Monday morning start, I am listening to a song...

"You are the one thing that I need, You are the one thing that I need."

I haven't written in a while, (which was not my plan in the last post I wrote I know) I haven't really been able to get out of my head everything that has changed or moved since September. But above all else that has changed and adapted in those few months these lyrics could define them.

I am realising more and more than there is one thing above all else that I need and that is God. It is Jesus. It is time with him, spent sitting waiting on him. It is not a new revelation but it feels like an urgent one. One where I know more now than before that I really truly need it.

I don't think we necessarily ever leave seasons of being molded but for sure Isaiah 64:8 is ringing in my ears over everything right now.

 "And yet, o Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." With each new week I can feel myself being stretched and pulled in the best of ways: the way a potter throws his clay around, making it the right texture before molding it... in the way that you know everything will feel different in 6 months.

Currently my brain feels full of cotton wool but at some point maybe I will try and put together the words to explain everything that has been going on in my head.

R/

afraid to write

"the thing you are most afraid to write, write that."

This quote has sat in the draft section of this blog for about a year. I see it each time I log in and each time before this I said "no way"; The quote makes sense to me, because I think most often what we are afraid to write, or speak or share, or let the world see is linked to the things that make us vulnerable. It just seemed too big to tackle.

But this week I responded to a banterous comment in a way I never have before, and the response came back something like this:

'well, there speaks a women who is healed'

A tiny, throw-away comment, made over lunch in the midst of a busy day in a busy week. But it stayed with me and has been playing over in my head since then.

And I think this is why.

Because this week I didn't get upset, or offended, or angry. I didn't take the comment as a reflection on my character, or identity. The words of someone else did not effect me in the way that they had done in the past.

And tonight as I have sat down to write after not writing in so long, I have begun to see that above everything else that has happened, God has and is healing me.

He has slowly, gently, beautifully picked up the pieces of me that made me misunderstand my identity and showed me the truth.

The truth that my identity is in Him. That my identity has nothing to do with my face or body shape. It has nothing to do with the things others say or do in regards to me. My identity is not as short or brunette or loud or extroverted or introverted or organised or messy. My identity has nothing to do with the boxes and structures we humans seem to love to place one another in.

It is 100% to do with Him.

My identity is to do with pointing to Him, worshiping Him, following Him.

His creation of humankind, His love as a Father, as a King, as a Friend. His desire to be close and in relationship with us. My identity is in that relationship, in His grace (which I am forever trying to understand), in His might and wonder. In His love, compassion and heartache for the world.

I've been scared to make public, to write the process of it all. I've been scared to make public that I have had to ask the King of Heaven to break down walls and chisel off things I have held so tightly to, scared to admit that I have hidden behind causes and false 'independent women' statements rather than dealing with the pain or the anger.

I still do not have it all together, I still over-think sometimes and get offended and angry. I still have things in me which need healing. But I no longer find myself walking into every room with the need to prove something.

 He is enough for me, and by His grace He accepts me as I am.

So I am going to write, to be disciplined and write.

About the journey, and the reality of it all. About the things which make me a bit afraid and vulnerable.

I will always try to point to God, to Jesus in it all, because I do not know anything else in the world that is more real or wonderful than them.

R/