We’re going on a bear hunt

We can’t go over it, can’t go under it, can’t go round it; we have to go through it… remember that song? Each verse a different epic adventure through a swamp or forest or river?

I was going to write that the past month I’ve had that “we have to go through it” paraphrase in my head but if I am being totally honest (which I have promised myself I would be here) that phrase and annoying song has been the consistent one in my head for 3 years.

Roughly two and a half years ago I had my second ever panic attack. I don’t suffer from panic attacks, I am not diagnosed with any mental health illnesses - I clarify this because what I share is my experience and not necessarily the norm, and I do not want to take away the realities of mental health illnesses.

I have however been in extremely low periods of life, and although I am not fully out of it, I wanted to share. My second panic attack led to me dropping all work, and I mean literally dropping everything I did, with no plan of cover or help, just not turning up the next day. It meant a sobbing phone call to my brother, 3 days in bed and booking a flight back to England.

I had been living in Romania for almost 5 years at this point. Working at a non-profit, as a missionary, although I was never fully comfortable with that term. I worked hard, mentally and emotionally giving everything I had…add into this a few unhealthy relationships of every kind and I reached burn out stage. Panic attack in my arm chair while watching Queer Eye kind of burn out. One thing I want to make clear, the organisation I worked for was not responsible. I do not blame them. Everywhere has it’s own problems and I do not deny that they did too, but this wasn’t about them.

So back to the song…. for about five months before the panic attack I knew I wasn’t doing well mentally. My thoughts were dark and heavy, I cried more that usual and my response was to just keep going. Just go through it, thus the song was running through my head.

I then spent an idyllic, painful, strange, foggy month at my brothers house with his family. I didn’t do anything much. I slept through afternoons, did washing up and made dinners, and sat on the sofa. I did online CBT training. I went through it.

And I felt stronger, better. I flew back to Romania and asked for change in my work life, made choices to be less busy, do more things I enjoyed, give myself less to people. I had decided it was to be my last year there, and I wanted to leave healthy.

Fast forward to October 2019, 10 months ago, and this time it hit me hard. Crying into a managers shoulders at my new work place, being sent home and asked to meet with a doctor. Officially getting signed off work for ‘stress and low thoughts’. A month in my own tiny studio flat, leaving only to buy food or maybe walk a mile down the road. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. This unbelievable sadness that I couldn’t shake, anxiety over each and every decision, the desire for the world to stop so I could get off.

I had started therapy in September as a promise to myself to work through 6 years of non-profit work; therapy quickly turned into a deep dive into the root cause of this sadness and pain that refused to be shut away any longer.

I was learning to re-wire my thinking, my way to reading situations and conversations.

And I got through it. I started back at work slowly and finally back full time in January.

Oh 2020. Oh how we just really truly had no idea.

So that curve-ball I alluded to in one of my last posts, I lost my job. A product of the current climate, a restructure and a need to adjust. I don’t have a new job. Yet.

So here’s what I wanted to say. I read a journal I had written in autumn 2019, and this sentence stuck out to me “You will be mentally and physically stronger when 2021 comes around.”

I don’t know about physically - this lock down hasn’t done much for my body, but I did sit up at the words ‘mentally stronger’. Now I have had horrible days in this past month, having no idea what is next, not understanding anything. I have had days of low thoughts, but the tools I learnt from my past are jumping in. The re-training of my brain has worked, some days I can get up a bit faster, bounce back into ‘normal’ life. Other days it looks like sitting on my bed doing nothing and being okay with that being part of the going through it.

We cannot go around pain, we cannot go under it or over it. We have to go through it. My experience has taught me that facing it head-on is a better option than trying to go every other direction. Going through it hurts like hell, it is painful, but it can bring healing. Reaching out for help can bring an arm to lean on when you need it. Spending a day in bed, while acknowledging you are in pain is also going through it. Going through it doesn’t mean ignoring it, pushing through, being strong. It can mean acknowledging it sucks, allowing yourself to cry and sending one honest text to someone saying you aren’t doing okay.

So hi, I’m Rachel and I am saying you can do this. You can go through it. My advice is to cry out to God - it helped me, I believe he is real, it might help you too. But also I am here - on this tiny space of the internet if you need someone, I promise to listen if you need someone.

Now this next bit is so important.

I am in a privileged position in this world, I live in the global north, I have a supportive family - emotionally and financially, I am white, and I have had the access to money to pay for therapy. So I wanted to acknowledge all that and make sure it is known that for so many so much of my story is impossible to access.

Here is a link to Black Minds Matter a organisation dedicated to providing free mental health care for black families and individuals who need it. In a world where a pandemic is disproportionately effecting black people and the Black Lives Matter movement has been front page news, it is an important fund to support if you can.

Mind is also an amazing organisation for anyone effected by mental health illnesses. They were the first website I went to to gather information and figure out how to find a therapist. If you need resources or help I strongly recommend them.

Life is hard, so let’s be kind.

R/