full narcissistic glory
I spend too much time in my own head…. especially in the beauty of a year that is 2020.
I have learnt that left to myself and my own thoughts I do 1 of 2 things; panic about the problems of the world, deciding in full narcissistic glory, that I alone should find a solution…ignoring the fact that there are Bill Gates and AOC’s of the world, who, you know, are actually in positions to make the change.
The other thing I do is over analyse myself. Full on in depth dive into all that is wrong or right about me and my life, why things happen, all the bad things, all the good, all the what if’s and should of been’s…. and can I say once again…narcissistic glory right there.
Now as someone who calls herself a christian and genuinely loves Jesus, this seems at odds with everything I have grown up being taught and all that I know of Jesus - a man who, solid in his convictions and belief, gave himself willingly to one of the most horrific deaths man-kind has dreamt up so that all humanity who was and is to come may have redemption and relationship with God…complete sacrifice, no self importance, no narcissism…I’m meant to be modeling my life after him.
I have found myself, this past month, frustrated with the amount of time I think about myself, or slightly differently- the world, its problems and my solutions. Where have I gained the idea that me, myself and I, can be a solution to anything?
The reason I am writing all of this, is because I had a realisation this afternoon - from an Instagram post (you might as well know that I love instagram in all its mess and glory, and a lot of my inspiration and information starts there)… So this time it was a post that simply said ‘you can fly’ with a caption about seeing the world differently - from a heavenly perspective.
This got me thinking.
I look at the world from my view point, the one here, 5 foot off the ground and from the information and people I surround myself with. I then spend time analysing the world from that perspective. But I know, because I have once or twice managed to do it before, I know that I can lift my gaze. Higher than my height, experience and viewpoint. I can lift my gaze to what was and what has become and what might possibly be.
My time in my head spent over analyzing myself is so often because I want to be better, a better human, a better friend, sister, daughter and maybe potentially one day a wife. But I get so stuck in what I need to improve on, that I forget where I have come from and I forget what I am still able to achieve.
I spend time over analyzing all the world problems, determined as most of my generation and the ones below me are, to be the change, to transform the world. I forget to raise my eyes and bring my mind into the sky and see all the other people protesting, sharing stories, building new businesses and initiatives. I forget to raise my mind to the things that have been and have changed and just how amazing it is that a 16 year old can force the world to speak about climate change. As sad as it is maybe, that 16 year olds are the faces of campaigns, it is beautiful and transforming a landscape I didn’t think could shift.
All of this to say I believe Jesus came to this earth knowing who he was, knowing his convictions and his aim in life. He did not sway for he knew what was, and is, and what is to come. He stayed in his path, in his knowledge of himself and the god in heaven. He kept on his path, when his voice gained notoriety, he remained as he was; humble and firm in his convictions. I read about his life and I don’t see a man who sways, or spends so long analyzing himself; I see a man who sticks firm to where he was going, who seemingly quietly just gets on with it.
My problem is I am not like this. I wish and pray and hope I become more like this.
I pray I become less narcissistic in my thoughts and simply give what I have to give, celebrate and lift my eyes up to what has been and what is coming, celebrating those who have done what they can do, given what they can give. That I leave behind this idea that I alone can somehow bring solution.
I am a women who has held insecurity and doubt about myself for the majority of my life.
About 3 years ago something in me snapped…or healed..or something, and I basically said “F*** it, I’m just going to be me”. I argued for what I thought was right, had arguments with housemates & friends - which somehow made those relationships stronger, made decisions not everyone agreed with, took myself out of situations that were not healthy, removed people from my life who weren’t good for me and stopped trying to please people I just somehow never could.
This year I lost some of that. I got lost in the mess the world is in and forgot who I was and forgot who I know Jesus to be.
Jesus’ life is fascinating.
He broke so many social rules and did so many things he ‘shouldn’t’, he included women and spoke to the ostracized, he ate meals with those considered evil and ‘worked’ on the sabbath day. He argued with the religious leaders, disagreed with their theology, showed up in their temples and essentially mic-dropped a couple of times before walking away.
Jesus wasn’t this angelic, smiling, white, blonde haired gentle man. He had edge and roughness and was ruthlessly truthful and honest. He gave what he had to people, honestly and straight-forwardly.
I guess friends, what I am saying in all of this is stop overthinking…. or rather I am going to try to stop overthinking.
Be who you are, change what you want to change, but also lift your eyes up, let your minds eye fly higher than your vantage point and see where we are, and where we have been and dream of where we can go. And then give what you have to give.
This ramble of a post isn’t to shame anyone, or say this year hasn’t been just-the-worst. It is a public acknowledgment that I need to stop. A public acknowledgment to keep myself accountable, that I need to let myself be, to quietly live the life I have and do the things I know I can. To lift my head a bit higher than my world view and see all the potential and not let myself get fully lost in the harshness that feels like it surrounds. To keep getting to know Jesus and his life, and live as he did, quietly, with surety of who he was and who god is.
R/
