in a roundabout way

At 34, I am realising things I dreamed of at 19 and 22. They aren’t exactly the same as what I dreamed, the basic outline is there - the broad strokes. But it still is a strange realisation, that maybe this was always the place I would find.

In my job.

In the things I enjoy doing.

I have spent the past few years rediscovering things about myself which got lost in my twenties; hobbies i hadn’t touched since i was a teenager, passions i let lie buried, underneath the trying to discover and survive in a big wide world.

The more i hear people talking about growing and getting older, the more i hear people saying that their decade has been better than the last… ‘oh my 30s were so much easier than my 20s’… ‘my 40s is when i really discovered and settled into myself’… ‘the 50s are the best - you care less about what others think.’

I don’t know about all that, i think those are the louder voices and not everyone experiences the same things…but i do know that the more i invest in understanding myself (thank you therapy) and letting go of the noise that surrounds me, the better i feel and the better human i think (hope) i am.

I mention it all to say I think we spend a lot of time trying on versions of ourselves - only to come back to the one we were in the first place.

The kid with the paint brush or desire to run around outside… it just looks a little bit different being a grownup. I tried on different things in my 20s only to come full circle to realise i love events, i love project managing. I love art and decorating and being creative and photographs.

Its the basic outline from the wedding planner dreams….thanks J’Lo…and the camera in my school bag. Its the basic outline of organising parties or lunchtime clubs.

It’s the realising the younger version of me knew herself well but was a bit scared by it all.

I think growing up is finding the 6 year old you again…in a roundabout way.

…anyway I don’t know if i am a grown up yet.