friendships

Friends: I am someone who has been unbelievably blessed with friends all over the world. My life can be cut into 4 distinct sections: Papua New Guinea (7 years), England (15 years), Romania (6 years) and England (1 year and counting).

These 3 very different, very distinct countries have made me who I am. I grew up surrounded by people of different nationalities, melanin levels and backgrounds. Then I tried/ struggled/ fought to fit into England as a somewhat identity confused child. Eventually at the tender age of 23 I chose to move country once more, to another international community in a country I knew next to nothing about.

I type this not really to explain my history, more so to explain why I so often feel like I should somehow buy a farm or a ranch - who knows where that money will come from! - and ship each of my friends from each of these sections to me, inviting them to stay in my giant home.

Friendships are a wonderful thing - the family you choose….right? - the ones you pick in the school yard, gravitate to at the work party or bond with over shared experience.

My life in various countries meant transition and often with that came the transitional nature of friendships. The goodbyes, and promise of letters or emails and the eventual end to a promise of forever. I am a person who is all in. If I feel connected to you, a kindred spirit in you - then you get me -all in, committed. However, for some strange reason, (I believe a life lesson learnt early) I find it a bit too easy to say goodbye and claim “that friendship was for a season”.

I can count six girls who I swore would be my best-friends-for-life from the age of 6 to 18. None were in the same friendship group, not The Sleepover Club (if you don’t get the reference, i feel like you missed out on some epic books as a child). I am in touch with one of those girls now, and even at the time she was the anomaly; constant throughout the others yet not connected to any of my normal circles.

I don’t know if that is normal, maybe it is, maybe it is simply something everyone goes through. But I’m not too sure. Something tells me I have learnt the ability - with most of my friendships, to let go far too easily when life circumstances change. I preferred to put a clean little line across that chapter and move swiftly onto the next, and the new people.

Now this is why I am sharing this jumbled thought process: The clean line doesn’t make life easier.

The past 18 months haven’t been great - yes globally - but let me be selfish for a second, because I am talking about my tiny life. They’ve sucked. And thankfully I have an incredible backbone of a family.

But what I have noticed the most is that those brilliant beautiful friends I made between the ages of 18 and 23, the ones I tried to subconsciously put a clean line under; showed up. It was not just them, but they were the ones I noticed most. People who fought to be by my side, and who had waited for me to come home patient with my lack of contact for those 6 years away.

These women who were with me on nights out at 3am at 19, who grew up with me as we tried to figure out adulthood - they picked me up time and again this past 18 months.

I’m learning ‘friends are the family you choose’ isn’t just some cute saying, it rings true. But that means fighting for the friendship, being okay with the disagreements and hard conversations. Family is hard. It requires work.

I have friends across this world and some of my closest are 1000s of miles away, but we fight for the friendship, our catch-up calls go deep quickly, they last hours and include work through tough things.

I guess when I say the four distinct sections of my life have defined me it is true but it was the people I met during them that helped mold me. Iron sharpens iron right?

Those have come to be the friendships I value most, the ones I want to fight for.

Not every friendship lasts a lifetime, it is okay to let go and draw a clean line sometimes.

But I guess I am saying sometimes it is worth double checking if the line you are drawing is because you are avoiding some sort of painful separation (former independent women not needing anyone putting up my hand here) or uncomfortable conversation?

I guess sometimes I wonder why I ever thought I didn’t need people. Not just anyone, but the ones who know me. So often I bought into the lie that I had to do it all alone, be the independent woman, be strong, be everything for myself. And the problem with that is, well, it is impossible.

I am not everything. I don’t believe we were created to be alone or be able to do everything for ourselves. We were created, designed, to be in community. Whether that means 2 or 3 people or 20 - whatever works for you. I need people. I need people who know me, understand my history, can point out my awful mistakes and my beauty.

I need those friends. And so I will continue to dream about the farm or range I cannot afford to buy, and populate with wild horses, to bring all my friends together in one place.

R/

p.s about the world being a mess thing - if you go to the inspiration page at the top you will find some links to some people trying to change the world. they are awesome, you should check it out - they inspire me, they might inspire you.