Life is hard, you are loved
Find your anchors and find your hand holds.
This year is hard. I don’t know one person who hasn’t found this year hard - no matter which of the many curve-balls has effected them most, its been one hell of a year.
Yesterday I spent the evening sitting in a dark room, crying on the phone to my mum as I tried to get my head around what was going on in life. I thought I had failed at part of a job interview so badly that I wouldn’t even be considered.
My mum is an anchor but more so she is a hand hold. She is someone who I can grab onto and pull myself up again. She is someone who knows me so well, and has seen all of my life, she knows the things to call out in me and the things to comfort me about. She reminds me of my successes and reminds me of where my face and heart should be looking .
So I cried my eyes out to my mum, and then did all the self care things.
Self care is about baths (how i wish my tiny studio had one!) and it is about skincare and face masks and eating food you enjoy. Last night it was about washing the dishes so my kitchen was clean for me today, and having a long and warm shower, getting into bed before 10 and listening to my favorite podcast. This morning it looked like getting up early enough to enjoy a sunrise walk by the river; because as much as I love hiding in my bed, I know that fresh air helps my day. It was about making breakfast and enjoying it, rather than stuffing it down my throat and not really tasting anything.
I am not a routine person, I create one and keep it for a few weeks and then I forget, or just stop. I am not proud of that fact, and I am working on changing it but it is my life right now. And so I need anchors and my handholds.
These are things I discovered during therapy that help me keep afloat when everything is awful. They are people, tasks and activities that enable me to keep going.
My list looks something like this:
phone your family
pray and read your bible, probably a gospel and with no expectation other than to take in the words
clean your kitchen/bathroom/living space
slowly and consciously make food - with no background sound
sit and listen to a record, all the way through, with a cup of tea
text a friend to make a plan to meet up
text a friend to say you are not doing okay
read one of your many coffee table books
draw or paint something
go walk by water
My list is specific to me. But these are my anchors - things which help me to notice where I am and what I am feeling and experiencing. These are my handholds - things which help me stand strong again, sometimes slowly but always eventually fully 5’1 again.
Life is hard, this year especially, but you are loved.
R/
The photo is of a print I own by Charlie Mackesy 