these photos were almost a breakthrough
I had this idea to take self-portraits, a series I may continue. An idea sprung from the lock-down and limits, meaning taking other people’s photos was no longer possible, and also from a desire to learn to like…or love photos of myself rather than hate them.
This body is not the one I want. I want the one I had and did not appreciate at 18, but this is a common story among humanity.
I am learning to like it, and potentially love this body that moves and breaths and was created simply for me.
As we have been locked down for months I am slowly learning that movement is the best thing for me, not because it changes how the curves of my body are or what a number on a set of scales says but because it helps.
It helps with my restlessness and my need for something, anything to change. It helps because my body produces chemicals that trigger positive emotions and it helps because I am beginning to feel less stiff when I leave my makeshift desk at 5pm every afternoon.
I took some photos with the aim of them being full body portraits, and I wasn’t ready.
I don’t hate these photos of my face, but I cannot say I fully love them yet. I am saddened that I am still unsure and ashamed of my body to be in front of a camera. I cannot say that it is comfortable to share or push out into the world. But this I know. I am tired of the narrative in my head and of seeing the beauty in all around me besides myself.
I am tired of the world picking it all apart. So here are my photos, me in isolation, partly because I missed taking photos of people and partly because I needed to know that my relationship with this body of mine had grown.
I am one of a million who have done this, shared this, battled with all the hard thoughts in my head. But that doesn’t matter. Maybe one of you needs it, but honestly I need it more.
Self acceptance, not just of how I look but also of my needs. I need to move even when it is hard, I need to look after my body even when it is not fun. I need to be teachable and accept my own failures and flaws and work on my character. I also need to admit my own successes and abilities and champion what I know and can give.
Self acceptance is in this post and photos but it is in the moment in my mind. Requiring a re-wiring of brain patterns, sat with God, slowly replacing the pain with hope, the lies with truth and the judgement with acceptance.
R/
